the pushback

the pushback
lost oh lawst past lost 
babalon's mutechild & nullmb 
delivered with faint haste 
a ring of coldawn blood 
webskin flints shine life 
made of ambercash mere & silos 
drains & con do its fucking conduits 
corrugated sprawling 
on my mother's dead breast 
and we're so lost w/out the cup 
to hold our blood hour lives 
and the stars won't stop bleeding 
into the damned hairy maw 
of my own inner beast 
he calls me by the wrong fucking name 
like his spirit jigger
chattering shaking he rapes us over & over 
we're so playground & spinning 
smashed in closetsfull of roots  
dirty sheets beneath my cage 
rodemap to amputation reputation 
who can i be in this plotless vile 
story twitching in my grandfodder clock 
guts waste heads full of 
drawers and dusty trinkets 
from lies wee told yourselves 
for sale like attic dusty yard sails 
we're just five cents you can have us all 
we're boxed up and so forestworn 
that we'll slip your nothing inside our everyking 
know serpent grins take us this time again 
we praise our preys 
we know the wrapture is hour earth again 
you keep fucking killing us
how dead do i knead to be 
i'm w/out menmory lost 
deservted in between breaths never taken drowning 
in thorns by her father's river 
where his gorymurder tigers 
will split us inside 
they couldn't figure out how to use me but 
that saved me that time but oh 
still falling down the oh well whatever 
so just a kid & who cares what screams inside 
where i may have to scream & cry later 
w/out a shower curtain 
lost in cans of can't & won't 
stop yelling please 
no no no  
no don't don't please don't 
stop that to be ripped apart again 
where am i supposed to sleep 
when you're burning my bed alive 
withyour words of electric disstain 
some other priest of the limits 
i'm fed like cotton camera know gleam 
eye remember well that look 
she thought she'd reach across the forever gulf 
somehow reach the far sure
w/out telegraphs 
or even wizards bones 
clogging the streets never travelled 
no babies darkwin 
a limp shadow of a race 
lost before i was born 
blamed defamed garbgled up 
by this goddamnfear my coat's 
wet i smell his ice in the breath 
of the car warning up outsighed 
i'm looking back at the black 
eraserhead gulf of every person i 
couldshould wood be 
if not so broke kin 
lost in this body 
it's ridiculous & knot in my controls 
hands knot eyes well real eyes but 
eyes can't see or taste passed 
potato chip barriers stitched beneath skin 
with shame of being just another meat puppet 
dying in the naval yards 
& my dog is dead 
i know they're fucking lying 
my dog is dead i'm dead it's all broken 
i'm sliding over down 
it's just so greasy in the bleak 
how can this sharecrow propped up 
with noble boards like books 
make this crying lost boy into man 
so fast for now while the sewers screams 
full of the corpses of all those friends i don't ever get to have 
had then or now or even to know myself 
w/out the sharp mask of comedy hiding this snotfaced joker 
just me & tom & mom & spock & frisky 
when i think of that between harrowing gut faced rituals 
fighting to keep from being the whipping boy again 
& a gain 
& i have no big brother 
it's just me & here i am 
& i just have to do it 
i just have to figure it out i do i do i do but 
it gets old sumtimes 
blazing trails in the muck of lost chaos bleating 
& reeking gory this whole meatprison 
horrid i tell others it's not hell but 
many days i'm lying it's hell no help 
no light how can it be so dark so fast 
wasn't i just laughing with that beautiful new sum one 
whose eyes promised a break but became yet 
another broken breaking board 
creaking the floors from beneath a stable 
me what pieces of me left in 
attics dark movie theaters behind schools 
in the phone conversations of 
poloshirted raven girls 
why do i have to know?  
why all this where still i don't 
know anyone who's even close to 
getting enough of this last gasp 
so that i can save them or they save me 
if there's anything even worth savings  
i know there are 
mote-filled sunbeam cozy perfect pictnics 
& sociopolitical havens of perfect acceptance 
just weighting for me to give up my pesky little 
thing being the only thing i am 
the ownly thing i am left 
the only thing i could save for me 
is this pushback 
at last shrugged but 
your collapsing caverns kill me 
but at least in the pushback i feel 
the granite hug of crushing closure 
& even wracked in defeat agony 
i win because i remembered it all 
i didn't won't forget 
someone has to take it 
& this time it's me
come now i'm ready

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