the pushback

the pushback

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lost oh lawst past lost 

babalon's mutechild & nullmb 

 

delivered with faint haste 

a ring of coldawn blood 

 

webskin flints shine life 

made of ambercash mere & silos 

drains & con do its fucking conduits 

corrugated sprawling 

on my mother's dead breast 

 

and we're so lost w/out the cup 

to hold our blood hour lives 

and the stars won't stop bleeding 

into the damned hairy maw 

of my own inner beast 

 

he calls me by the wrong fucking name 

like his spirit jigger

chattering shaking he rapes us over & over 

 

we're so playground & spinning 

smashed in closetsfull of roots  

dirty sheets beneath my cage 

rodemap to amputation reputation 

 

who can i be in this plotless vile 

story twitching in my grandfodder clock 

 

guts waste heads full of 

drawers and dusty trinkets 

from lies wee told yourselves 

for sale like attic dusty yard sails 

we're just five cents you can have us all 

we're boxed up and so forestworn 

that we'll slip your nothing inside our everyking 

 

know serpent grins take us this time again 

we praise our preys 

we know the wrapture is hour earth again 

 

you keep fucking killing us

how dead do i knead to be 

 

i'm w/out menmory lost 

deservted in between breaths never taken drowning 

in thorns by her father's river 

where his gorymurder tigers 

will split us inside 

 

they couldn't figure out how to use me but 

that saved me that time but oh 

still falling down the oh well whatever 

so just a kid & who cares what screams inside 

where i may have to scream & cry later 

w/out a shower curtain 

 

lost in cans of can't & won't 

stop yelling please 

no no no  

no don't don't please don't 

stop that to be ripped apart again 

 

where am i supposed to sleep 

when you're burning my bed alive 

withyour words of electric disstain 

 

some other priest of the limits 

i'm fed like cotton camera know gleam 

 

eye remember well that look 

she thought she'd reach across the forever gulf 

somehow reach the far sure

w/out telegraphs 

or even wizards bones 

clogging the streets never travelled 

 

no babies darkwin 

a limp shadow of a race 

lost before i was born 

 

blamed defamed garbgled up 

by this goddamnfear my coat's 

wet i smell his ice in the breath 

of the car warning up outsighed 

 

i'm looking back at the black 

eraserhead gulf of every person i 

couldshould wood be 

if not so broke kin 

lost in this body 

 

it's ridiculous & knot in my controls 

hands knot eyes well real eyes but 

eyes can't see or taste passed 

potato chip barriers stitched beneath skin 

with shame of being just another meat puppet 

dying in the naval yards 

 

& my dog is dead 

i know they're fucking lying 

my dog is dead i'm dead it's all broken 

i'm sliding over down 

it's just so greasy in the bleak 

 

how can this sharecrow propped up 

with noble boards like books 

make this crying lost boy into man 

 

so fast for now while the sewers screams 

full of the corpses of all those friends i don't ever get to have 

had then or now or even to know myself 

w/out the sharp mask of comedy hiding this snotfaced joker 

 

just me & tom & mom & spock & frisky 

when i think of that between harrowing gut faced rituals 

fighting to keep from being the whipping boy again 

& a gain 

 

& i have no big brother 

it's just me & here i am 

& i just have to do it 

i just have to figure it out i do i do i do but 

it gets old sumtimes 

blazing trails in the muck of lost chaos bleating 

& reeking gory this whole meatprison 

 

horrid i tell others it's not hell but 

many days i'm lying it's hell no help 

no light how can it be so dark so fast 

wasn't i just laughing with that beautiful new sum one 

whose eyes promised a break but became yet 

another broken breaking board 

creaking the floors from beneath a stable 

me what pieces of me left in 

attics dark movie theaters behind schools 

in the phone conversations of 

poloshirted raven girls 

 

why do i have to know?  

 

why all this where still i don't 

know anyone who's even close to 

getting enough of this last gasp 

 

so that i can save them or they save me 

if there's anything even worth savings  

 

i know there are 

mote-filled sunbeam cozy perfect pictnics 

& sociopolitical havens of perfect acceptance 

 

just weighting for me to give up my pesky little 

thing being the only thing i am 

the ownly thing i am left 

the only thing i could save for me 

is this pushback 

 

at last shrugged but 

your collapsing caverns kill me 

but at least in the pushback i feel 

the granite hug of crushing closure 

& even wracked in defeat agony 

 

i win because i remembered it all 

i didn't won't forget 

someone has to take it 

& this time it's me

 

come now i'm ready